what’s replacing the fear?

For someone who’s walked in deep ruts of fear for much of my life, can I tell you an eerily beautiful thing I’m experiencing lately?

My therapist asked last week, “what’s replacing the fear?”

I looked away for a moment and then whispered, “trust.” Tears welled up in my eyes and splashed onto my warm cheeks.

I’ve spent all these months being intentional and fairly methodical in my healing process. I thought I could look closely enough and root out the fear and examine my auto pilot and I never really thought about what would come after that. I was still living mostly in my head. This was an issue to “figure out.” 

But the problem now is that what’s replacing the fear doesn’t fit in any of my mental categories. I’m feeling everything. And it’s overwhelming. In the best way possible.

Love is finding its way into rooms in my life I didn’t know existed.

Later in the visit, I said, “Is God THIS good?” Which seems an odd thing to say considering all the pain in our world. My denomination is hurting this week. Our country is resisting and discerning and confused. A friend of mine is going through cancer for the third time. There’s plenty of evidence that this world God created isn’t doing so hot.

But my question remains. The good news remains. Is God this good?

From this one beating heart in this corner of the world, I must tell you, God is this good.

Taking one heart at a time and turning it into something new.

Surrender.

Release.

Love can fill the rooms.

All the rooms.